This is hands down the toughest part about the any gig. To be a good parent, it’s important to be happy by doing a job that you’re passionate about and where you feel like you’re making a difference. That’s important for your overall mental health. But herein lies the problem. The long trips and nights away from home add up. Here’s What It’s Like Touring As A Parent.
To me at least, my family is my main driving factor behind everything I do. Every gig I take, Every pushup I do, Every decision I make, is “How Can I Make This Benefit My Family?”.
For a lot of roadies, this lifestyle chose us. But to sustain it and not be another one of those stories of estranged parents, you have to find a blend that works for you. Your kids are literally counting on you for it.
So lets break this down. Pros and Cons list plus some lessons I’ve learned along the way.
Pros
1 – Take Your Kid To Work Day
My wife is an accountant and always says “I guess we know who the kids are choosing for Take Your Kid To Work Day”. Very accounting humour if you ask me. But it’s true. This can be a great job and a lot of fun. It’s something that’s exciting for kids to see and look up to.
2 – You’re Doing What You Love
For me at least, I live for this shit. I’ve said this before, but the reason I’m on the road is to help facilitate people’s release from their every day life. Normal people buy tickets months in advance, plan a night out, get hotels, find sitters for the kids, and for the first time in however long, people are temporarily happy when they’re at a concert. For the longest time, that’s what I’ve been there to do.
Although now that I age, my love for the game is changing. Now, it’s about making a difference. Using the tools I’ve learned and the knowledge I’ve gained for something good. What that evolves into is still in the works, but for me at least, there’s a refined purpose for what I’m trying to accomplish.
Plus, When the lights go down and the crowd roars when they see their favourite artist for the first time… Oh yea, that’s the stuff.
3 – Having Kids Is The Best
I didn’t know if I wanted to have kids. I was too busy being selfish with my personal life as most people in their 20’s do. Now that I’ve been blessed with these 2 kids, my heart and soul are more full than ever anticipated. And they think my job is the coolest.
Cons
1 – Your Family Needs You At Home
This is undeniable. Your family needs your presence. They need to feel your love. This is very difficult to accomplish when you’re in a different city every day and it takes it’s toll on your mental state when you’re away on tour. Facetime is great, technology is great. But it’s a temporary bandaid.
2 – It’s Expensive
Having a lot of your expenses covered on tour doesn’t mean that your expenses at home don’t need to get paid when you’re away. Bills still need to be paid, kids still need to eat and have fun.
3 – The Road Cooks You
If you’ve just spent a bunch of time away, when you get home, you need to be on as a parent. You need to go above and beyond to make up for your time away. The family deserves to be priority. But as you’ve likely noticed in every article I’ve ever written, the lifestyle of touring is emotionally and physically draining. They said you can’t pour from an empty cup, but when you get home, it’s your responsibility to do it anyways.
4 – You Will Likely Miss Out On Events At Home
This sucks. I’m very fortunate, I haven’t missed either of my kid’s birthday yet. But I often miss first and last day of school, sports games, parent/teacher interviews, kids being really sick, and countless other things that I would love to do as a parent.
What Works For Me?
1 – Strong Support System
My wife is the best. She holds it down when I’m away. But she also needs help. Solo parenting is difficult at the very least. We are lucky to have in-laws in the neighbourhood as well. It takes a village to raise a couple of kids, and we’re sometimes short a person (me).
2 – Adjusted Our Lifestyle To Compensate
During the pandemic, we moved out to the country. This put less financial strain on our lives, leading to me having to work less. When we were still in the city, I would have to try and jump from tour to tour to try to just get by.
Now, I try to do a 2 month tour in the spring, and a 2 month tour in the fall. Plus, a festival season of weekends/one offs. That means I’m only really away for a scattered 5 months total. That’s 7 months of the year that I’m home and present with the kids. I’m not really away that much anymore.
Story Time
When my wife got pregnant with our first kid, I was on a short tour with a band in the last few weeks before he was born. I told the band that it was my last hurrah and that I would be retiring from the road shortly after. They all had kids. Some of them really young, and some of them with tweens.
This is where I heard some advice that would put it all into perspective for me. The bass player said “If you worked downtown, you probably would only see your kid on weekends anyways. You’d be commuting in the morning before they were awake, and you’d be home after their bedtime”. This was shocking, but true.
And now that I’m home for multiple months, I have the ability to be more present and grateful for our time than I would have been if I wasn’t coming and going.
3 – Make The Time At Home Count
We’ve been fortunate to head south for the last 4 out of 5 January’s to get our Pura Vida on in Costa Rica. We go for anywhere from 3 weeks to a month. This would not be possible unless I toured. Because of this, we’ve made the absolute best memories and these trips have bonded the family beyond measure.
When we’re not escaping the cold for the sun and beach together as a family, I’m doing all the normal stuff that parents do. I’m showing up for my kids. I’m taking them to the bus in the mornings, we’re having dinner together as a family, we’re living experiences while I’m home. I try extra hard to make all of these moments count. That’s actually something that makes the every day life special. It’s a friendly reminder that life is in fact short. So we gotta make the best use of our time when we can.
4 – Fill Your Cup
As mentioned above and in “How To Beat The Post Tour Blues“, the adjustment of coming home from tour can be very difficult. One minute I’m sweeping off the front deck cuz I think it’s too dusty, then next minute I’ve fallen asleep on the couch watching a movie. I used to stay an extra night or 2 to wind down in a hotel after the tour. This would give me a bit of a buffer to get back on a normal sleeping pattern and catch up on all of my accounting so I could be more present with the kids when I got home.
Now, I just get home as fast as possible. If there’s a day off and I’m within 4 hours, I’m going home. If there’s 3 days off anywhere, I’m going home. It’s probably helpful that my kids are now old enough to be in school so when I come home, there is time during the day to sort out all of my shit so I can hang with the family when they’re all back.
If I’m really lucky, I’ll be close enough that they can come visit me.
5 – Put In The Work
More than just going home whenever you get a chance, it’s important to put in the work and find ways to connect with the kiddies while you’re away. This is maybe not the best parenting advice, but we got our oldest kid an iPad last year for Christmas. This way I can send pictures, video messages, and voice messages home without having to go through my wife. Technology helps.
This is a slippery slope, but I try and buy things for my kids while I’m away. When I come home from Austin and bring them a Texas Sized Pencil, or a Space Needle keychain from Seattle, it shows the kids that I’m thinking about them even when I’m not around. By showing them that I’m thinking of them, they know how to feel my love even when I’m not at home. Thats the ultimate goal. For them to feel my presence when I’m gone and not feel resentment towards me for leaving.
Wrap It Up
This is the thing. It is what you make of it. It’s tough, gut wrenching, and can leave you feeling inadequate as a parent. But if you can align your career and life goals to meet your family and parenting goals, then you can accomplish anything. Soldiers have been doing it for centuries. We can figure this out.
But… This doesn’t mean that I have it all sorted out. This works for us now that my kids are at this current age. The key is to adapt as the kids age and find what works. It’s a constant effort. Just like fitness, rent as a parent is due everyday.
If you’re in crisis about what to do as a touring parent, or wanna find more ways to connect with your kids while you’re away, hit me [email protected]
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